Wake up. Just wake up. I can’t. I’m so tired and I need to wake up because I need out of this dream. It’s a dream. I’m awake. The feeling won’t go away. My heart is beating too fast. It swishing. Why am I still afraid? Nothing is wrong. Nothing. Is. Wrong.
Something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong. This is more than anxiety this time. Something is wrong. It’s too quiet. Are the kids okay? It might have rained last night and the roads are probably wet, I wonder if he made it to work okay?
Someone would have called if he didn’t. Right? Maybe I should text him. I wonder if my mom is okay. I didn’t talk to my daughter yesterday. She called and I missed it and I didn’t call back. She didn’t call me again. Is everything okay?
Dammit. Something is wrong.
Just breathe through it.
It’s hard to breathe.
My heart is swishing.
Everything is okay.
Dammit. It’s not.
Okay. It will pass. How long? I felt like this yesterday too. It’s worse today and it’s going to keep getting worse. Maybe I should call and check on everyone. What if something is wrong though? What if I call and the phone rings while they are driving? They’ll have an accident. I’m not calling. Everything is fine.
I’m holding my breath again. Stop doing that. My heart is swishing. I think I messed up something yesterday. What did I forget? It was important, I think. I screwed something up again.
Breathe.
Something just doesn’t feel right. I can feel my heart in my arms and my head and my legs. Breath through it. It’s not real.
It’s real.
Your mind is telling you lies, it’s anxiety. It’s a liar. What if this time something is wrong though? I didn’t charge my phone last night. Something might have happened and I didn’t get the call because the phone is dead. No one is dead. Everyone is okay. Why didn’t I call her back yesterday? She was fine. Nothing was wrong or she would have said so when she said to call her back.
Swishing.
Stop holding your breath, dammit.
Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
A tubby, little cubby all stuffed with fluff.
He’s Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,
A willy, nilly, silly old bear.
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Still swishing.
Geez, stop crying. So stupid. Willy, nilly, silly old bear.
Stupid. This is so stupid. Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff. It’s not working. I can’t go to the store today. This is a warning. It’s a warning. If we all stay in the house it’ll be okay. I heard one of the boys leave this morning. I think I heard one of them leaving. He’s supposed to tell me when he goes out. Why did he even leave the house? This is ridiculous. He’s probably in his room. He’s not. It might start raining.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Breathe.
Willy, nilly, silly old bear . . .
(swish)
Last night’s Dreams won’t release me
their Icy fingers won’t let me go
Holding, Squeezing, gripping
I Can’t regain control
Anxious Oppression,
I can’t still My heart
Shallow Breath, I need to breathe
I’m lost Once it starts
Shallow Breath, why can’t I breathe
I feel it just Under my skin
Poisonous Lies
from some Acrimony within
Shadows Torment
They only Exist in my mind
Last night’s Dreams won’t release me
The Qwiet Muse 
DISCOMBOBULATED (Incredible hidden message) Angela saw it when I was reading to her, well written !
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I have always been fortunate that I can drop off to sleep in minutes almost anywhere. I guess having to do that in the Navy trained me for it. My wife on the other hand often cannot turn her mind off and go to sleep. I sympathize, but I don’t really understand.
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You are fortunate, it’s a gift. Thank you, and I hope you never have to understand! Maybe my husbands Navy career explain his ability to drift off so easily (until my tossing and turning rouses him!)
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You pretty much have to learn to go to sleep on command. It is a survival skill. 🙂 I hope your troubles leave your thoughts alone enough for you to sleep. Have a great weekend.
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It’s such a challenge for so many of us. This post brings me back to when I suffered anxiety during my college days. Spot on.
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Great post and it reminds of when I suffered anxiety during college. It’s such a challenge for so many of us!
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I’ve suffered from anxiety most of my adult life. It’s just so hard to describe it, but this does it perfectly. I’m sorry you have to go through this too.
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Thank you . . . I’ve had so many messages of understanding and encouragement today from others who also (sadly) relate. While it’s nice to know I’m not alone in the battle, I wish it were something no one had to go through . . .
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Oh my, this is a brilliant post… spot on, so close to my truth I could have written it myself (replacing ‘Winnie the Pooh’ with ‘Ten Green Bottles’).
I’m sorry you know this nightmare/daymare too, and hope you’re feeling calmer/better ATM, Thank you so much for sharing, Kimmie.
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My heart is beating as it should again . . . Thank you. It saddens me that anyone has fight this beast. I kind of love that you have a song though too 🙂 I don’t love that you can relate though.
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Acccckkkkkkk this is skin-crawling truth, writ large.
I’m sorry you have this to contend with 😦
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Xanax was my very best friend this morning. I wrote every thought I was having. It’s better now . . . I hate this particular truth within me.
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Yes. I remember feeling the same way, sometimes. I’m lucky.
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Maybe one day we will find a way to slay this beast . . . I hate that anyone I care about can relate in the slightest.
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I hate that you can. And even if we can’t slay the beast, we know that others have been there before us, and have come out the other side…if not unscathed, then still alive.
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such a powerful way to describe debilitating anxiety! I liked the “discombobulated” acronym. loved this post.
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This was the conversation i had with myself this morning – thank goodness for Xanax! The swishing has finally stopped . . . thank you 🙂
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