A is for ASSHATS everywhere I look

B is for BUTTHEADS who give dirty looks

C is for CRYBABIES that never stop whining

D is for DOUCHEBAGS that never stop lying

E is for EVERYONE who can’t behave well

F is for FOLLOWERS who won’t think for themselves

G is for GROUCHES who bring everyone down

H is for HOOLIGANS acting like clowns

I is for IDJITS and everything they say

J is for JERKS who just want their way

K is for KISSASSES who bring so much strife

L is for LOSERS who need to get a life

M is for MONSTERS who are mean just for fun

N is for NINCOMPOOPS every single one

O is for OPPRESSORS and the peace they disrupt

P is for the PESTIFEROUS who need to give it up

Q is for the QUITTERS leaving everything undone

R is for the RADICALS who target everyone

S is for SNOBS who make me wanna scream

T is for the TROLLS who hide behind their screens

U is for the USERS who never pay their dues

V is for the VEXATIOUS twits who bother me and you

W is for WINY ones with their panties in a bunch

X is for the XENOPHOBES I’d really like to punch

Y is for the YOKELISH YOUTH who seem to have no manners

Z is for the ZEALOTS with their speeches and their banners

 
Now you know new ABCs, next time please don’t sing with me, (you know, the whole misanthrope thing?) It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just . . . well, you’re a people and misanthrope’s don’t much care for people, so –

I suppose you think I’m an asshat now, it’s right there in the first line. I’m not one, an asshat. Not all the time. Rarely even. As a matter of fact, I’m actually a really sweet person and now I feel bad, not bad enough to change it or anything, because I’m also a little mean and my sense of humor is warped beyond repair and I really DON’T like the kind of people mentioned here in The Misanthrope’s Alphabet.

Come to think of it, you don’t have to be a misanthrope to get on board with this alphabetic rant, as a matter of fact, I bet super good, super nice folks would maybe even agree with me.

I wonder if I should have used MISANTHROPE for M? 

I do like people, in theory, and sometimes in real life too. Just so long as they cannot be assigned any of the attributes described in A – Z.

So, I guess that’s all. I really am a nice person. So nice.

(for real)