What Happened in the Barnes & Noble Bathroom Last Night

By now, you should know (and if you didn’t, now you do) bookstores are my happy place. My sanctuary from the world around me. I find solace and peace and adventure and knowledge within the rows and stacks of paper and ink.

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Sometimes, I even find unexpected joy, happiness, hope, and hilarity from the people who roam those magical aisles alongside me. I enjoy sharing those moments with you.

Coffee, Books, and a Tale To Tell – A Day at the Bookstore

Book Store Story OR The Complete and Utter Ruination of His Life

Not long ago, I also shared a story about a fart ninja who cleared out nearly an entire section with a silent but deadly . . . you can read that one, People Who Fart in Bookstores and Other Heinous FiendsHERE if you’d like. Today, I share another bookstore fart tale with you.

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Last night I had the chance for an evening run to the bookstore. I was a little on the left side of grumpy and like I said, bookstores are my happy place. They soothe the savage beast within and all that, so I put on some pants and headed out for a little literary therapy.

Before I’d even made my first selection, I begrudgingly had to stop my perusal to make a beeline for the bathroom. It had been a multiple cup of coffee kind of day. Thankfully there was one open stall. So including me, that made three ladies in the ladies room.

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All was quiet aside from some tinkling noises when all of a sudden, the silence was shattered, broken by a sound I would have expected from a mountain lumberjack with a healthy appetite for nothing but broccoli and pork and beans.

It came from the furthest stall from me. It sounded like three consecutive bursts from a rapid fire machine gun, fired into a cave at midnight. Bathrooms always have excellent acoustics. Each release was approximately two seconds long, with perhaps a second between them.

IMG_2385Once I realized we were not under attack, I heard a mortified sounding sigh followed by a whispered curse and, “Omigod. That actually just happened.”

The gal in the stall next to me immediately said, “Grandpa? Is that you?” I would have pissed myself if I hadn’t already emptied my bladder.

Nothing from the shooter. Not a sound.

I got out of there quickly because if didn’t, I was going to lose it and laugh, possibly hysterically, and likely add to the poor lady in the last stalls obvious embarrassment.

Mind you, I wasn’t restraining laughter directed at the woman with some obvious gastrointestinal difficulties, although, and no – I am not a child, farts are sometimes funny, I raised four kids. You have to laugh. I wanted to giggle, perhaps even guffaw at the comment that came after the gas attack.

Now, don’t judge me too harshly here, but damn I want to be friends with that chick in the middle stall. I wanted to high five her under the wall separating us, but you know, gross.

I do hope the gas attack lady was okay, I’m quite certain IMG_2388she felt better following the epic release. The three of us will likely never forget our time in the bookstore bathroom. I think we bonded.

To the quick-witted and slightly twisted occupant in the middle stall, you made an awkward situation possibly even more awkward in a hey, no big deal, everyone farts, might as well make it funny kind of way, and if you ever find this little retelling of our time in the Barnes & Noble bathroom on September 20, 2017 at approximately 7:30 PM – message me. Seriously. We might be related.

9 thoughts on “What Happened in the Barnes & Noble Bathroom Last Night

  1. A (pardon the pun) resounding tale well told. I’m trying to imagine the bizarre combination of relief and mortification of that woman in the far stall. I think she waited as long as possible before exiting.

    Like

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