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Today is the day!

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Celebrate accordingly people. Do nothing, read a book, soak in the tub, grab the remote and embark upon a Netflix marathon of epic proportions.

However you choose to honor this marvelous day, just make sure it requires minimal effort.

By the way, today is ALSO National S’mores day, so maybe make one or three, they don’t take too much time or effort, so it shouldn’t interrupt your lazy day inactivity too much.

Personally, I plan on crawling into a book and losing myself in words until the day is done . . .

Happy National Lazy Day!

 

Found My New Coffee Cup

I dunno . . . Do you think it’s too big? Nah, I could totally handle it. I may have to cut back to one cup a day though.

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One giant Starbucks coffee cup, $49.95

Making my husband’s eyes roll back into his head, priceless.

(I didn’t really buy it)

We’ve Come a Long Way Baby – at least I think we have.

 

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Truth in advertising . . . has there ever been such a thing? I’d like to think we can trust the products and services we spend our hard earned cash on to be and do what we’ve been suckered into believing they are and will.

I’d like to think that, but I most often don’t.

I’m a little on the skeptical side until I try something for myself. The only advertisements I truly believe are those pharmaceutical commercials, the ones touting the benefits of this new medication or that. I can’t be sure the little pills they’re peddling do all they say they will, but I’m fairly certain they are being honest and upfront when they detail the possible side effects. Why lie about anal leakage?

I wonder what future generations will think about the products we advertise today and how we advertise them. I have a few thoughts on the odd, sometimes creepy, sometimes dangerous, adverts from yesteryear. Times and people and products sure have changed . . . right?

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Every woman wants to look better and feel better in the year ahead. Slenderness is the way to health beauty, and fitness. A couple of grammes of amphetamine sulphate taken daily enables you ‘to slim while you do housework’ – surely and safely. The magic powder does more than disperse unwanted fat it purifies and enriches the blood, it tones up the entire system and makes you feel better in health in every way. It even gives you the energy to carry on working throughout the night.

So start taking amphetamines today and make sure of looking and feeling your best in 1940.

Wowza! I can lose weight while I do housework! I could use me a little of this, especially since I enjoy cleaning all day AND all through the night! Hmm . . . I wonder if there’s any pesky side effects? No matter, it’ll tone my system! 

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His home treatment, which cures the patient in the privacy of their own home without the knowledge of anyone, is creating a profound sensation because it is curing the hopeless and those pronounced incurable. For all disease of the mid-quarter, from neck to knee.

Through the magic power of fine, gentle massage – no need for anyone to know. Dr Swift found a way to get ladies to let him feel them up AND pay him for it . . . a profound sensation indeed. 

img_0162So, I cinch myself up in this torturous undergarment and it’s going to make me look better, breath better . . . be better. I am a delicate woman, after all. But how will I know it’s working if there is no sensation whatever when I’m wearing it? Is this legit? Is it really electric? Oh well, I need to be invigorated, here’s my money. 

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What? This is just what I need! I’m suffering,  I have weakness and hysteria, thank goodness for electrification! I’m going to call my Medical Electrician today! Medical Electrician? I wonder if he could take a look at my toaster . . .

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I wasted my charms for years until I splurged and bought the fancy pit juice. 

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Can’t get your kids to take vitamins? Give ’em these healthy donuts instead. By pep and vigor, do you mean sugar high?

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Oh boy . . . Your child is healthy and hearty thanks to vitamin donuts, but now she’s chubby, but don’t fret! Buy Chubbettes! Nothing raises a young girls self esteem more than wearing clothing with the Chubbette label. You want her to fit in, right? You’ll even get this handy booklet, FREE, “Pounds and Personality” to help your chubby angel find happiness. 

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Fact. You can give this sparkling drink to BABIES. So sugar up and carbonate your little one, it’s good for them! Just look at the label!

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This precious 11 month old consumer enjoys his healthy 7-Up, and thanks to this handy tip from the makers of 7-Up, now I know how to get my baby to drink his milk, I just gently add equal parts 7-Up and milk. Perfect. Thank you 7-Up!

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If your child looks at her food like this, you may have given her too many Vitamin Donuts and 7-Up. You may also need the number for good child psychiatrist.

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Arsenic, the safe way to improve your skin.

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Use good deodorant or you’re dumb. Everyone knows B.O. inhibits intelligence. Duh.

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Because nothing says sexy like a prepubescent girl with a teddy bear. Omigosh, was a pedophile running this add campaign?

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I know I always look frickin’ adorable after a hard day of scrubbing and cleaning, but just to be sure, I never forget my PEP vitamins! I wonder if there are amphetamines in these?

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Use Lysol on your lady-bits or your husband will leave you, like a douche. Don’t worry, it’s non-caustic. Great for your floors as well! 

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Is it though? Is that really why they’re happy?

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Hair rental, sounds like a good deal. I mean, it comes with comprehensive repair service so there’s no costly repair bills, and you get free replacement if anything goes wrong. 

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I found some Penicillin in the pantry the other day.

img_0161Oh, so many wonderful choices . . . I just don’t know which one to choose. It says if I cry a little, I’ll get what I want. Maybe if I cry a whole lot, I’ll get two! 

Crazy. That little journey back to yesteryear a little weird. Times have definitely changed!

 

 

True Story – Mom Brain

Seriously, I do these things. In this past year I’ve put a book in the fridge, a package of ground beef in the bread cupboard, the television remote in the car, my phone in the pantry, and garbage in the laundry hamper . . . I’ll stop there.

I don’t even have little kids anymore. I think they may have damaged my frontal lobe somehow.

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The Misanthrope’s Alphabet

 
A is for ASSHATS everywhere I look

B is for BUTTHEADS who give dirty looks

C is for CRYBABIES that never stop whining

D is for DOUCHEBAGS that never stop lying

E is for EVERYONE who can’t behave well

F is for FOLLOWERS who won’t think for themselves

G is for GROUCHES who bring everyone down

H is for HOOLIGANS acting like clowns

I is for IDJITS and everything they say

J is for JERKS who just want their way

K is for KISSASSES who bring so much strife

L is for LOSERS who need to get a life

M is for MONSTERS who are mean just for fun

N is for NINCOMPOOPS every single one

O is for OPPRESSORS and the peace they disrupt

P is for the PESTIFEROUS who need to give it up

Q is for the QUITTERS leaving everything undone

R is for the RADICALS who target everyone

S is for SNOBS who make me wanna scream

T is for the TROLLS who hide behind their screens

U is for the USERS who never pay their dues

V is for the VEXATIOUS twits who bother me and you

W is for WINY ones with their panties in a bunch

X is for the XENOPHOBES I’d really like to punch

Y is for the YOKELISH YOUTH who seem to have no manners

Z is for the ZEALOTS with their speeches and their banners

 
Now you know new ABCs, next time please don’t sing with me, (you know, the whole misanthrope thing?) It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just . . . well, you’re a people and misanthrope’s don’t much care for people, so –

I suppose you think I’m an asshat now, it’s right there in the first line. I’m not one, an asshat. Not all the time. Rarely even. As a matter of fact, I’m actually a really sweet person and now I feel bad, not bad enough to change it or anything, because I’m also a little mean and my sense of humor is warped beyond repair and I really DON’T like the kind of people mentioned here in The Misanthrope’s Alphabet.

Come to think of it, you don’t have to be a misanthrope to get on board with this alphabetic rant, as a matter of fact, I bet super good, super nice folks would maybe even agree with me.

I wonder if I should have used MISANTHROPE for M? 

I do like people, in theory, and sometimes in real life too. Just so long as they cannot be assigned any of the attributes described in A – Z.

So, I guess that’s all. I really am a nice person. So nice.

(for real)

Join me? Meme Story link-up

I’m gonna do something I’ve never done before. Join me?

Lately I’ve been having one helluva time finding the motivation and the inspiration to do the thing I most need to do, which is write. When I don’t write, I’m not quite right . . . You know what I mean, don’t you?

So yesterday, this meme popped up on my Facebook feed and it kind of made me giggle because I was thinking, “Oh yeah, I totally relate.” But then I was like, “Wait, I don’t have a cat.

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Obviously I may need to schedule an appointment of some kind to address this, we’ll see.

Mental health concerns aside, it did cause a little spark and a silly scene began to swirl inside my mind, so I jotted it down.

You see, yesterday, (a long, long time ago), I fell into a rabbit hole (I’m assuming that it was, though I’ve no real way to know), I fear I may have bumped my lid, at least I think I’m thinking this is what I did – I must have bumped my noggin at the very least once, or perhaps maybe even thrice, but for the sake of sake itself, let’s just say I bumped it twice.

No. That simply cannot be! I’ve no particular way to be certain that was indeed the case, so never you mind my kindest dears, forget all that I’ve just said, for if indeed I’d cracked my melon, surely I’d be dead.

Why then do you think, I would answer queries from a cat who isn’t really there? Oh bother with the bother, you needn’t answer something quite so silly. Anyway and besides, it makes no difference really. I like that cat, and he likes me back, so I suppose it matters little, (if it matters much at all), whether he’s real or whether he’s not, especially since, (and I think this might be true), that cat that’s not just might, as he seems to me to be, my very best and truest friend, perhaps the best that there could be.

Nonsensical scribblings led to an outpouring of other words, ones that made sense, and I wrote something real and good and lovely (and I’m still working on it).

I love link ups, I really do. I’ve found some amazing blogs and some amazing bloggy friends because of them and I’ve always wanted to host one of my own, but I’m lazy and kind of, sort of, almost (but not completely) certain no one else will link up and I will seem silly for trying, BUT, I’m working on squashing that doubtful, mean-spirited voice that’s always telling me not to bother with things like this, so . . . I’m doing it. A linky, sharey thing.

Here’s my idea – find a random meme and write about it. Something silly, something fun.

I need a great big break from the ebb and flow of red and blue we seem to be drowning in . . . I need a good giggle and I know, without a doubt, ya’ll can make that happen!

So please dear sirs and ladies, help a bogged down blogger out and link with me? 

Something short, something long, something in between – one lines, two lines, maybe more than three, it doesn’t really matter, simply write something about a meme!

Follow The Qwiet Muse here on WordPress and/or (may I suggest AND?) The Qwiet Muse on Facebook (over there on the right, it’ll take just a second), to check back and read what others are (hopefully sharing). Check them out and let them know what you think!

I have some ideas to bring my little corner of the blog world to life, can’t do it without ya though, (insert most sweetly pathetic smile I can muster).

Okay, meme me with a little story. Please. (and maybe share with your bloggy friends)

21 terrible things I did in 2015

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Coming clean, clearing the slate, confessing, purging, owning up . . . I did some awful things in 2015. Some of them were honest mistakes and unintended mishaps, but some of them were choices. Bad choices, and in effort to start this new year with a clean conscience I must own up to them.

This isn’t easy for me. I’m not a bad person. I’m only human, of flesh and blood I’m made. I’m only human, born to make mistakes. Thank you, Human League, for lending those lines of perfect subterfuge to the world.

I’d like to say I fully intend to atone for my wrongdoings, but the truth is – I probably won’t. Confession is good for the soul they say, I’ll just do that and try to do better this new year. It’s not like I broke any major laws or caused irreparable harm in some way, unless you count the couple of dishes I broke (and didn’t own up to).

Alright, might as well get this over with. Don’t judge me too harshly, you’re only human too.

1 – I went through the 15 items or less line with more than fifteen items. Twice.

2 – I stayed in my bed and my jammies all day and watched a Snapped marathon on the ID Channel then told my husband I was still in bed because I wasn’t feeling well.

3 – I told my husband I needed to get a gift at Barnes and Noble for a friend and bought three books for myself. I forgot the gift.

4 – I told my family the chicken I’d taken out for dinner was freezer burned so I didn’t have to cook dinner. We had pizza.

5 – I told my doctor I’d been drinking lots of water. I didn’t tell her half of it was coffee flavored.

6 – I let my phone go to voicemail when I wasn’t too busy to answer it.

7 – I told my husband the art supplies I bought at Michael’s were on sale, I may have misspoke – the truth is, they were for sale.

8 – I spilled a cup of coffee on the floor and blamed it on the dogs.

9 – I spilled a bowl of soup on the floor and blamed it on the dogs.

10 – I spilled a cup of soda on the floor and blamed it on the dogs.

11 – I bought cookies and hid them from everyone.

12 – I clicked like on a Facebook post without reading it.

13 – I did not read the terms and conditions before agreeing to them.

14 – I used the word literally when I should have said figuratively.

15 – I cheated on a Buzzfeed test to get a better answer.

16 – I had to re-run more than one load of laundry because I was too lazy to put it in the dryer in time.

17 – I forgot to water the plants. Most of the summer.

18 – I threw away leftovers . . . and the containers they were in.

19 – I didn’t always pay attention when people were talking to me.

20 – I answered more than one question with ‘I don’t know’ so I didn’t have to keep talking.

21 – I took pictures of an article in a magazine instead of buying it.

There may be more.

It feels good to get that off my chest. I’m not gonna lie, I may make the same mistakes in 2016.