Tag Archive | diabetes

Diabetes is an Asshole

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I don’t know if I have an eating disorder, but my eating is most certainly disordered. If it is a disorder, I’ve not found a name to give it.

I don’t like to eat, I don’t even like food sometimes. Not all the time, mind you, if there is bread I want it. Cake? I like cake. I typically eat the same foods for long stretches of time, I’m never excited about, nor do I often try new things.

Sometimes I treat food like my enemy, because it kind of is, it’s also the thing that could be my biggest ally.

I’m diabetic.

An uncontrolled diabetic. My average blood sugar is around 250. That isn’t good. I take meds, oral as well as injected. I don’t overeat, unless there is bread and cake, but that’s rare, and for me, overeating is usually the normal amount most folks eat. I’m 5’3 and weigh 130 pounds. I’ve been fighting this disease for 20 years, at least that’s how long ago I was diagnosed.

I’m tired. I don’t feel good. It’s beginning to take a toll. Has been for a while now. To tell you the truth, I’m slightly terrified and a little lost. I have tried to do everything the docs have asked me to do. I take every medication they give me. I’ve always had issues with food, but I have tried. So hard.

I eat the right foods, I have high blood sugar. I eat the wrong foods, high blood sugar. I exercise, I don’t exercise . . . high blood sugar.

Except when it drops.

I’ve been as low as 23. I had no idea my blood sugar was even falling. It’s happened too many times. I have something called hypoglycemic unawareness. Yep. That’s a thing. I can’t typically feel a low blood sugar until it’s dangerously low. I usually only realize I’m having a high when my vision craps out on me and the world blurs.

I don’t fit type 1. I don’t completely fit type 2, and nothing seems to work. If something doesn’t change soon I’ll lose my eyesight to diabetic retinopathy. My nerve pain will only worsen. I’m showing signs of stomach neuropathy. I could end up on dialysis. It will kill me.

I don’t talk about this much. Today is different. Today my father is fighting what may be a life and death battle, laying in a hospital bed. Diabetes is an asshole.

My diabetes mimics his. Super. We have mutant fricking diabetes and no one seems to know what to do about it. The thing that really gets me though, is we are constantly blamed for it. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I eat that cake. Not often and not much. Sometimes I sit and read all day, exercising my mind and not my body. Sometimes I don’t eat when I know I should. I usually drink a nutritional shake when I can’t deal with food.

I don’t know what to do.

Diabetes is such an asshole.

Coffee Does Not Equal Food . . . I beg to differ my dear man.

Coffee Does Not Equal Food . . . I beg to differ my dear man.

I was sitting at my computer one morning, keys clicking and words pouring, when all of a sudden I get a pop-up. I hate those things so I always have them blocked, this one snuck right on by though, It said . . .

“Coffee does not equal food! I love you!”

First of all, coffee HAS to be a food group, they just forgot to give it its own spot on the pyramid. Secondly, I love you? That wasn’t creepy at all. Upon closer examination, I see my husband had found a way to set little alarm messages to pop up at certain times of the day. That was the first.

I tend to forget about the world around me when I sit down to write and I often forgo the essential snacks and meals I should partake of. I remember having two articles to write and without any conscious effort on my part, I think I managed to drink four cups of coffee, got all of my writing AND my proofreading done PLUS managed to squeeze in some time on Facebook. I did not however, eat anything but a few glucose tablets.

For some people, this may not be too terribly bad, but I happen to be diabetic, so my sugars are rather off when I have those days, it always gets my dear hubby a bit peeved. This time, he had dispensed with the lecture and simply set my computer to turn on me. The next day, there were more pop up messages for me.

“Put down the cup and eat something!”

Geesh, fine, I will. I grabbed a yogurt and sat back down, then something totally creepy happened. After a few bites and a few more sentences another message invaded the screen –

“One yogurt isn’t going to cut it! EAT!”

Does the man have cameras on me? Is there a P.I. outside a window or something? Am I really that predictable?

“Make some toast!”

FINE! Enough already, I have things to do! Toast in hand, crumbs on the keyboard and yogurt half empty I see –

“Put peanut butter on it!”

I kind of wanted to hurt him a little bit at this point so naturally, I made another cup of coffee. Next time he hacks my life center I’d better see some pop-ups saying things like, “I love you and I care for you and you are wonderful and I cherish and adore you blah, blah, blah.”

I suppose the messages he sent my way really meant the same thing. I still say coffee is a food though.

Crystal R. Cook