I don’t know if I have an eating disorder, but my eating is most certainly disordered. If it is a disorder, I’ve not found a name to give it.
I don’t like to eat, I don’t even like food sometimes. Not all the time, mind you, if there is bread I want it. Cake? I like cake. I typically eat the same foods for long stretches of time, I’m never excited about, nor do I often try new things.
Sometimes I treat food like my enemy, because it kind of is, it’s also the thing that could be my biggest ally.
An uncontrolled diabetic. My average blood sugar is around 250. That isn’t good. I take meds, oral as well as injected. I don’t overeat, unless there is bread and cake, but that’s rare, and for me, overeating is usually the normal amount most folks eat. I’m 5’3 and weigh 130 pounds. I’ve been fighting this disease for 20 years, at least that’s how long ago I was diagnosed.
I’m tired. I don’t feel good. It’s beginning to take a toll. Has been for a while now. To tell you the truth, I’m slightly terrified and a little lost. I have tried to do everything the docs have asked me to do. I take every medication they give me. I’ve always had issues with food, but I have tried. So hard.
I eat the right foods, I have high blood sugar. I eat the wrong foods, high blood sugar. I exercise, I don’t exercise . . . high blood sugar.
Except when it drops.
I’ve been as low as 23. I had no idea my blood sugar was even falling. It’s happened too many times. I have something called hypoglycemic unawareness. Yep. That’s a thing. I can’t typically feel a low blood sugar until it’s dangerously low. I usually only realize I’m having a high when my vision craps out on me and the world blurs.
I don’t fit type 1. I don’t completely fit type 2, and nothing seems to work. If something doesn’t change soon I’ll lose my eyesight to diabetic retinopathy. My nerve pain will only worsen. I’m showing signs of stomach neuropathy. I could end up on dialysis. It will kill me.
I don’t talk about this much. Today is different. Today my father is fighting what may be a life and death battle, laying in a hospital bed. Diabetes is an asshole.
My diabetes mimics his. Super. We have mutant fricking diabetes and no one seems to know what to do about it. The thing that really gets me though, is we are constantly blamed for it. I’m not gonna lie, sometimes I eat that cake. Not often and not much. Sometimes I sit and read all day, exercising my mind and not my body. Sometimes I don’t eat when I know I should. I usually drink a nutritional shake when I can’t deal with food.
I don’t know what to do.
Diabetes is such an asshole.