The Misanthrope’s Alphabet

Nov16

 
A is for ASSHATS everywhere I look

B is for BUTTHEADS who give dirty looks

C is for CRYBABIES that never stop whining

D is for DOUCHEBAGS that never stop lying

E is for EVERYONE who can’t behave well

F is for FOLLOWERS who won’t think for themselves

G is for GROUCHES who bring everyone down

H is for HOOLIGANS acting like clowns

I is for IDJITS and everything they say

J is for JERKS who just want their way

K is for KISSASSES who bring so much strife

L is for LOSERS who need to get a life

M is for MONSTERS who are mean just for fun

N is for NINCOMPOOPS every single one

O is for OPPRESSORS and the peace they disrupt

P is for the PESTIFEROUS who need to give it up

Q is for the QUITTERS leaving everything undone

R is for the RADICALS who target everyone

S is for SNOBS who make me wanna scream

T is for the TROLLS who hide behind their screens

U is for the USERS who never pay their dues

V is for the VEXATIOUS twits who bother me and you

W is for WINY ones with their panties in a bunch

X is for the XENOPHOBES I’d really like to punch

Y is for the YOKELISH YOUTH who seem to have no manners

Z is for the ZEALOTS with their speeches and their banners

 
Now you know new ABCs, next time please don’t sing with me, (you know, the whole misanthrope thing?) It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just . . . well, you’re a people and misanthrope’s don’t much care for people, so –

I suppose you think I’m an asshat now, it’s right there in the first line. I’m not one, an asshat. Not all the time. Rarely even. As a matter of fact, I’m actually a really sweet person and now I feel bad, not bad enough to change it or anything, because I’m also a little mean and my sense of humor is warped beyond repair and I really DON’T like the kind of people mentioned here in The Misanthrope’s Alphabet.

Come to think of it, you don’t have to be a misanthrope to get on board with this alphabetic rant, as a matter of fact, I bet super good, super nice folks would maybe even agree with me.

I wonder if I should have used MISANTHROPE for M? 

I do like people, in theory, and sometimes in real life too. Just so long as they cannot be assigned any of the attributes described in A – Z.

So, I guess that’s all. I really am a nice person. So nice.

(for real)

Word Nerd – Word of the Day – Buttload

Nov16

Heaven’s Choir has a New Voice

Nov15

Rest In Peace Holly Dunn . . . Raise your voice in the heavens.

I wrote you a letter . . .

Nov15

img_0429I just wanted to take a moment or two to say hello, you may not know me, but maybe you do. Perhaps we’ve passed by each other on the road, shared a smile in the store, or crossed paths online. Maybe you’ve been my life-long friend, maybe we’ve just met.

You might be family, or something that feels as close to family as you can get. You might be a stranger, but it doesn’t matter, I’m writing to you because you matter to me and I wanted you to know that.

I’m not all that adept at starting up conversations, so this is the best way I know to tell you all the things my heart wants to say, a few of them at least. I hope you don’t mind. The thing is, I don’t know if you know how I feel, this may be the only way I can tell you. I tend to be a little on the quiet side (until you get to know me) and people say I can be hard to read in person. I’m different, but really, aren’t we all? I don’t want those differences or perceived differences to keep us apart because I value you. I do.

There will likely be things we don’t see eye to eye upon, but that’s okay. We are more than a few opinions, there’s more to me and more to you than current affairs and hot topics.

I’ll tell you something, even I don’t agree with you, I’ll always do my best to be respectful and try to understand. I’ll defend you and stand by you because I think that is what we should do for each other. I may not fight your particular fight, but I’m your battle buddy if anyone tries to tell you don’t have the right to speak up for what you believe. I know all too well how it feels when someone tries to silence what is in your heart.

I know sometimes you will have a bad day, I have them as well. I’ll do my honest best not to judge who you are based upon a fleeting moment in time when maybe you were dealing with something that made everything else seem bad too.

I want you to be happy. I want to be the person you see smiling in a crowd of frowns, I want to be the one to hold doors open for you when no one else does. I want to be a shoulder you can lean on, a helping hand, a friendly voice.

See, I am always looking for these things too, sadly, I don’t always find them, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be and do the very things I seek.

I don’t know your complete story and you do not know mine, if we did, I wonder if it would make it easier to reach out. Sometimes I’m afraid to. I simply don’t know who will reach back and who will slap my hand away, but if I don’t, how can I expect others to?

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I hope and pray you have a beautiful day, and I hope if we do happen to pass each other by, I will see your smile, and you will see mine . . .

If someone pissed in your coffee, it wasn’t me

Nov15


I have no idea what made him so grumpy, but boy was he grumpy. We both scanned shelves in the small aisle of size 8 women’s shoes, there’s no way he wore a size 8, so maybe that’s why he was grumpy. Could have been the poor selection, I don’t know. He huffed at me as he pushed past to seek out other things and other people to grumble about. I tried to smile at him, just a little smile though, I think the frown he returned may have been grumpy enough to cause some new frown lines on his weathered face.

Finding nothing that didn’t look like Lady Ga-Ga would go ga-ga over, I decided to call quits on my unsuccessful shopping adventure and popped in line to purchase a cold drink, unsuccessful shopping makes me thirsty. Grumpy-boots lined up behind me. I say behind out of technicality, he was way up in my personal space, mumbling under his breath about moving it along.

When the person in front of me took a step forward, grumpy-boots took one, even if I hadn’t yet. Annoyed, I turned to him and asked if someone had pissed in his coffee.

“Pissed what?” 

“Pissed in your coffee. Did someone piss in your coffee this morning? Because it wasn’t me . . .”

Grumpy-pants took a step back, I thought maybe I should have kept my trap shut, but then – he started to chuckle. That chuckle turned into a cackle and that frown of his looked remarkably like a smile.

“I suppose they did.”

My turn to pay, as I walked away, I heard him tell the cashier to hurry it up, he had to get home and piss in someone’s coffee.

Effective immediately

Nov14

I, Crystal Reneé Cook, being of sound(ish) mind, do hereby relinquish, surrender, and abnegate any and all duties, rights, and responsibilities previously afforded to and required of me in respect to the cooking duties of this establishment. In layman’s terms, I quit.

I no longer possess the skills necessary and needed to provide well balanced, properly prepared, edible meals that require any measure of high heat. This includes, but is not limited to, the cooktop, the oven, the toaster oven, the barbecue grill, and possibly the crock pot. I do retain continued access to the toaster, microwave, and the coffee maker until and if it is deemed I am no longer able to utilize them with any measure of safety in the manner for which they were designed.

I apologize for any inconveniences this may cause to my family, I am sure they knew this day would come.

Signed in sincerity and love,

Mom

Post script I am still the CEO of this family, I’m just not going to cook for you anymore.

Word Nerd, Word of the Day – Terrific

Nov12

Terrific is one of those words, you know, the ones we use every day, often not even knowing what they were originally used for. I didn’t always know, but I’ve been keeping a list since I was a kid. I would read dictionaries in my free time, weird? Say’s you, or maybe the person next to you. Whatever, I still do it. So did David Bowie, he was quoted as saying, “Don’t you love the Oxford Dictionary? When I first read it, I thought it was a really really long poem about everything.” and it kind of is.


Word Nerd – Word of the Day – Peruse

Nov11

It might not really mean what you thought it meant, unless you thought it meant what it means, in that case, it meant what you were thinking  . . . But if you were thinking it meant  something it didn’t actually mean, now you know what to think – wait, I’ve confused myself. No, never mind. I’m good. I think.

What a Wonderful World (it could be)

Nov11

We CAN have one, a wonderful world. I know we can. It has to start inside of every individual, we can’t begin to make it so until we cleanse our own hearts, until we purge ourselves first of the anger, the disdain, the judgments . . .the ‘I’.

Only then can we find the wonder that surrounds us, and it does my friends, it does. We just need to open our eyes and embrace it, and each other.

Some people think it doesn’t matter if they make the effort, no one else seems to be doing it, so why should they? It DOES matter, one person, one voice, one change might be the catalyst that marks a new day for someone else, and then another and another.

Can you imagine what might happen if we all made a choice to let go of the very things that separate us? Oh, I can. I imagine it could be a very wonderful world indeed . . .

It starts with me. It starts with you.

Listen to what Louis says before he sings . . .