A is for ASSHATS everywhere I look
B is for BUTTHEADS who give dirty looks
C is for CRYBABIES that never stop whining
D is for DOUCHEBAGS that never stop lying
E is for EVERYONE who can’t behave well
F is for FOLLOWERS who won’t think for themselves
G is for GROUCHES who bring everyone down
H is for HOOLIGANS acting like clowns
I is for IDJITS and everything they say
J is for JERKS who just want their way
K is for KISSASSES who bring so much strife
L is for LOSERS who need to get a life
M is for MONSTERS who are mean just for fun
N is for NINCOMPOOPS every single one
O is for OPPRESSORS and the peace they disrupt
P is for the PESTIFEROUS who need to give it up
Q is for the QUITTERS leaving everything undone
R is for the RADICALS who target everyone
S is for SNOBS who make me wanna scream
T is for the TROLLS who hide behind their screens
U is for the USERS who never pay their dues
V is for the VEXATIOUS twits who bother me and you
W is for WINY ones with their panties in a bunch
X is for the XENOPHOBES I’d really like to punch
Y is for the YOKELISH YOUTH who seem to have no manners
Z is for the ZEALOTS with their speeches and their banners
Now you know new ABCs, next time please don’t sing with me, (you know, the whole misanthrope thing?) It’s not that I don’t like you, it’s just . . . well, you’re a people and misanthrope’s don’t much care for people, so –
I suppose you think I’m an asshat now, it’s right there in the first line. I’m not one, an asshat. Not all the time. Rarely even. As a matter of fact, I’m actually a really sweet person and now I feel bad, not bad enough to change it or anything, because I’m also a little mean and my sense of humor is warped beyond repair and I really DON’T like the kind of people mentioned here in The Misanthrope’s Alphabet.
Come to think of it, you don’t have to be a misanthrope to get on board with this alphabetic rant, as a matter of fact, I bet super good, super nice folks would maybe even agree with me.
I wonder if I should have used MISANTHROPE for M?
I do like people, in theory, and sometimes in real life too. Just so long as they cannot be assigned any of the attributes described in A – Z.
So, I guess that’s all. I really am a nice person. So nice.