Tag Archive | fear

Bête Noire #OctPoWriMo (Day 5 of 31)

DAY 5

(It’s still day 8, in which I kind of, sort of cheat) I #AmWriting, but it took on a life of its own and became something else, for some other time, SO, I tiptoed into the archives and borrowed some old words to replace the ones I was going to use )

Prompt – I Finally Understand

Anxiety – I’ve come to an understanding . . . I will never fully understand it. BUT, I now can recognize and fight it when it pays a visit.

* * *

Bête Noire - by Crystal R. Cook

If I knew why the world
sometimes crumbles,
when the earth
neath my feet is sound,

I might forget to fall.

If I could see
the raging storm
was only a summer breeze
of a passing season,

I might not hide at all.

If I was certain
flood waters
were not rising too fast
for me to safely swim,

I might not have to drown.

If I could just believe
the fears I fear
were lies, unfounded,
figments of my mind,

I might keep both feet on the ground.

Confounding little voice, whispering in the mind
infinitesimal, insignificant – ultimately powerless . . .

until 

acknowledged, fed –  held close to the heart like mother nestling a babe, wrap it like a cloak, a chrysalis safe and warm, cower within till it torments no more . . .

except 

it’s an illusion, a blanket of lies keeping the light veiled in shadow, growing heavy, heavier in the darkness, suffocating, stealing breath, parasitic thief consuming, devouring reality, regurgitating anxiety, apprehension and despair . . .

bête noire 

undeserving of avowal, recognition, appellation . . . purge, disembogue, cast out, unbaptize, reject, refuse, restrain, dethrone the beast from lofty place to bowels of depths unknown . . .

rise 

ascend past heights attainable by intrusive, binding thought,

look back and you will fall

spread wings of grace and you will soar.

~ finis ~

Crystal R. Cook

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Previous Challenge Posts ~

#OctPoWriMo 2017

Day 1How Did You Get here?

Day 2 – We Write Because We Must

Day 3 – Cherita Poem – Metal

Crap that scares me, my greatest fear, & suiting up.

 

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Back to the blasted blogging challenge. I’m now on day six (and I started like, 300 days ago). From this point on, I’m replacing ‘day’ with ‘number’ because I am quite obviously incapable of maintaining a daily challenge. Well, that’s not true, I’m capable of it, I’m just too lazy to commit myself to the task. That’s not entirely true either, I’m not lazy, per se, just otherwise occupied. Sometimes it’s housework, different writing projects, or other similarly adult type responsibilities, and sometimes it’s reading or word search puzzles, Netflix or nothing in particular.

My prerogative and all that.

So, number 6 on this challenge asks, what are you afraid of? Whew, loaded question. I compiled a list of random fears, in random order –

Clowns
People dressed as clowns
Clowns dressed as people
People (not every people, but people)
Most spiders
Hippopotami
Getting lost
Car accidents
Driving on the highway
Drowning
Heights
Fire (unless I’m playing with it)
Losing the ones I love too soon
Quiet clowns
Electric shock (been there, done that – terrified of it)
Forgetting
Bad hair cuts
Killers
Mean dogs
Bears
Moose (I grew up in Alaska, trust me, they are scary)
Going blind
Killer clowns
Major health issues
Falling
Random acts of violence
Kangaroos (especially those big muscled ones)
Most bugs
Laughing clowns
Spontaneous Human Combustion (when I was ten, I seriously thought this was how I’d go)
Flesh eating bacteria
Large, loud crowds
Being hit by a car
Elevators
Large bodies of water
Running out of coffee (legit fear)
Porcelain dolls
Crying clowns
Children in scary movies
Crap like that bitch that climbs out of the well in The Ring. (I didn’t watch it, but the commercials gave me nightmares)
Uncanny Valley (look it up if you don’t know what I’m talking about)
Intruders (especially if they’re dressed like clowns)

Alright, enough of that. Being afraid sucks and I try not to let myself become lost in it. Fear can control us if we let it. For the most part, I don’t allow it to, but sometimes I guess I do.

The big one I can’t seem to overcome is my fear of driving. Highway driving specifically. I don’t do it. The last time was probably fifteen years ago. Takes away a lot of freedom. I just can’t do it, maybe I don’t really want to because it’s scary and requires pharmaceutical intervention if I attempt it.

Then there is the issue with clowns. It’s funny, but it’s not. A lot of folks are scared of those bastards so I’m not alone in this mostly irrational (is it really irrational though?) fear. Ridiculousness.

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Fear is often a liar. It’s a bully and a brute. It makes itself bigger than it deserves to be, like a sheep in wolf’s clothing, and it’s a convincing disguise. It too often keeps us prisoners within ourselves. We wear it like armor to protect us, when all the while, fear is the actual enemy at our door.

In the late 1500’s Michel de Montaigne basically invented the personal essay. In book one of his works, he writes, “C’est de quoi j’ai le plus de peur que la peur.” The thing I fear most is fear.

I suppose I’m with him, perhaps my greatest fear is fear. I’m not sure if it should come before or after clowns on the list, but I do indeed fear it. I fear the powerlessness I feel in it’s shadow. I fear what it can take from me as well as what it leaves behind. I fear the hold it has on others. Decisions based on fear, rational or otherwise, are often made in haste and leave lasting reprocussions in their wake.

I fear the world is cloaked beneath a blanket of fear and because of it, our collective fears are being realized. It makes my list trivial in comparison. Yep, Montaigne got it right, the thing I fear most is fear. Knowing this gives me an advantage though, I can’t fight what I don’t acknowledge. Fear is an idea. A concept. A feeling, right? It’s not like a charging bear or some roided out looking kanga-frickin-roo.

Fear is meant to be fought. We are told and we tell others to face their fears, overcome them, rise above them . . . No one says hide from them, give in to them, or cower before them. But my, what a battle it can be. Suit up, warrior. Toss that white flag aside and practice your battle cry.

I’m going to start small. Maybe I’ll wade out a few steps into the ocean or watch a scary movie. I know not every fear can be conquered and I know fear can actually be a good thing, but not when it doesn’t serve to protect us. Not when it controls us.

But still . . . effing clowns.

 

 

 

Surviving the Night

fearWhen I opened my eyes the darkness blinded me. The black night encompassed me in its ebony veil. I could feel long icy fingers of fear wrapping round my quickening heart. The silence surrounding me pounded in my ears, but I wasn’t alone. I sensed a presence somewhere near. So near.

I was in pain, my muscles cramping as I lay there, no room to extend my legs for relief. I was cold. So cold. So many thoughts raced through my mind, how did I get here? What had happened? What would happen next?

Time passed slowly as my unanswered questions turned to thoughts of my children and I knew I had to survive, they needed me, but I could barely keep my eyes open. I was fading, fading into a dark, cold oblivion I could conceive of no escape from.

As a lay shivering, waiting for the inevitable, I heard something. A faint rumbling at first, but it grew steadily louder and louder and I realized I had to move. I had to save myself. Clarity found me and I realized I’d fought this battle before. That rumbling was the night beast and I’d beaten him before.

It took everything in me to turn myself over and poke him in the head. I took back my blankets, kicked the dog off the bed and as my body warmed, I drifted off to dream . . .

 

The Battle Rages On – Constant Warrior

 

 

light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel

Floundering in the dark

searching for the light

Scattered thoughts disgorge

from a miasmic mind

too burdened to contain them

emotions escape through tears

Unrestrained anxiety

irrational fear

unwarranted consternation

Pounding chest, heaving

threatening to fragment

anticipating failure

and pain

Soul seeking solace

confronts the unseen

stands in trepidation

against enshrouded foe

A weary warrior

voice raised in supplication

beseeching favor through faith

Repudiating the disquietude

emancipating fragile psyche

reclaiming, regaining, reasserting

gathering the detritus

of unconsumed peace

forging it to armor

sheltering beneath

until the storm subsides

again

Crystal R. Cook

The Enemy Within

So far today, I’ve nothing new to say. Nothing I can pin down, capture and pen to the page – not yet anyway, so I’m pulling one from the archives, if for no other reason than to remind myself I get through this every time I must face it.

Last night was one of *those nights*, filled with the unwelcome intrusion of anxiety and restlessness that have a way of lingering into a new day.

I’ve put on my armor and risen for battle – I’m certain at some point today, victory will be mine. I’ve fought this fight before . . .

Enemy Within by Crystal R. Cook

Whispers scream
in the dark of night
echoes of fear
not there in the light
When the day comes
it does not surrender
unwelcome companion
constant tormentor
Close your eyes
cover your ears
it’s coming for you
you can’t hide from this fear
It flows through your veins
it robs you of peace
squeezing your heart
as you pray for relief
There is nowhere to run
there is nowhere to hide
there is no escape
from the monster inside
You face it and fight
it tells you your weak
holding for ransom
the comfort you seek
Relentless it strikes
time after time
an insidious fog
filling your mind
An unwilling warrior
in this battle for power
sometimes you stand
sometimes you cower
The battle is private
without allies or help
you are fighting alone
at war with yourself

Crystal R. Cook

Bête Noire

Bête Noire - by Crystal R. Cook

If I knew why the world
sometimes crumbles,
when the earth
neath my feet is sound,

I might forget to fall.

If I could see
the raging storm
was only a summer breeze
of a passing season,

I might not hide at all.

If I was certain
flood waters
were not rising too fast
for me to safely swim,

I might not have to drown.

If I could just believe
the fears I fear
were lies, unfounded,
figments of my mind,

I might keep both feet on the ground.

confounding little voice, whispering in the mind
infinitesimal, insignificant – ultimately powerless . . .

until

acknowledged, fed –  held close to the heart like mother nestling a babe, wrap it like a cloak, a chrysalis safe and warm, cower within till it torments no more . . .

except

it’s an illusion, a blanket of lies keeping the light veiled in shadow, growing heavy, heavier in the darkness, suffocating, stealing breath, parasitic thief consuming, devouring reality, regurgitating anxiety, apprehension and despair . . .

   bête noire

undeserving of avowal, recognition, appellation . . . purge, disembogue, cast out, unbaptize, reject, refuse, restrain, dethrone the beast from lofty place to bowels of depths unknown . . .

rise

ascend past heights attainable by intrusive, binding thought, look back and you will fall –

                  spread wings of grace and soar.

~ finis ~

Crystal R. Cook