Vertigo and me – NOT happy together.

There’s no knowing where we’re going
there’s no earthly way to know
so we’re simply to and froing
slowly getting vertigo
  from Willy Wonka Jr.

ver·ti·go
ˈvərdəɡō/
noun
a sensation of whirling and loss of balance, associated particularly with looking down from a great height, or caused by disease affecting the inner ear or the vestibular nerve; dizziness, lightheadedness, loss of balance

Sailing through
the roughest seas
my vessel ever listing,
listing,
listing off to port.
Willy Wonka
(that’s Cap’n Wonka
to you)
navigates the
deep, deep depths
of briny, brilliant,
blurry blue –
Though I fear
he may be blind,
though I fear
he knows not
what to do,
he swears he’s
looking,
searching,
seeking,
shore,
and no more
briny, brilliant,
blurry, blurry
blue.
Oh, but the
longer I sail
(listing off to port)
with Wonka
at the helm
the more I fear,
sincerely fear,
my ship
is going down.

Three days ago I was pirated away on an impromptu journey (I didn’t even have a golden ticket) and set off to sail on a wibbly, wobbly journey (not through space and time), no great swooshing sounds, no Tardis (damn) my ambulance wasn’t even blue – and no 10. My doctor wasn’t even close to 10. –sigh-

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Since then, I’ve sat, (or tried to sit), in a vertiginousness stupor, trying to still my internal ebb and flow, this tempest is within. Vertigo. Vertigo is the vorticular swirling of . . . every-frickin-thing. Imagine the feeling you might have if you were drunk and just getting off a roller coaster and then standing up too quickly while looking over the edge of a cliff while on a boat during a storm. That. That is pretty much how I feel. Maybe. I don’t know, I’ve never done those things, I’m just assuming it might, maybe, possibly feel a little bit like blasted vertigo.

I’m like a Nascar darling when I try to walk, (or turn my head) I can hear the phantom crowd cheering, “She’s making another left turn!” Listing to port. For some reason, I tend to fall to my left when I attempt to stand. I feel like the terra firma beneath my feet has crumbled away and the overwhelming sensation of my inevitable collapse is more than slightly disconcerting. Inertia is my friend.

My docs (The Doctor would have known what to do), can’t really say what started this. Something about something about the inner ear. They can’t say how long it might last. They can’t say if this is a one time deal. Pfft.

So, vertigo sucks. Spinning, swirling, nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, confusion . . . not fun. I don’t even like carousels or ferris wheels or roller coasters or even those little cars that kiddies ride in circles, and at the moment, I feel like I can’t get off the ride.

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There’s no earthly way of knowing
Which direction we are going
There’s no knowing where we’re rowing
Or which way the river’s flowing  – Willy Wonka 

Sharing a little blog love

blog-love2

I often neglect to stop in and pay a visit to many of the blogs I’ve chosen to follow. It’s an easy thing to do, and one that sometimes makes me feel a little like a thoughtless twit.

When I decided to take the leap and begin this blogging adventure it was rather scary; it isn’t easy to put yourself out there for the world to see. Those who do are brave and deserving of recognition.

I happened upon one of those blogs this morning and I wanted to share a little encouragement in the form of a shout-out to God of Words and Broken Things. If others hadn’t done the same for me, I may not have continued sharing, I would not have met the beautiful people who have come into my life because they took a moment to stop and read a piece of my heart . . .

{{{Hugs}}} writers and readers!

Everything is okay, is everything really okay? Breathe.

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Wake up. Just wake up. I can’t. I’m so tired and I need to wake up because I need out of this dream. It’s a dream. I’m awake. The feeling won’t go away. My heart is beating too fast. It swishing. Why am I still afraid? Nothing is wrong. Nothing. Is. Wrong.

Something is wrong. Something is definitely wrong. This is more than anxiety this time. Something is wrong. It’s too quiet. Are the kids okay? It might have rained last night and the roads are probably wet, I wonder if he made it to work okay?

Someone would have called if he didn’t. Right? Maybe I should text him. I wonder if my mom is okay. I didn’t talk to my daughter yesterday. She called and I missed it and I didn’t call back. She didn’t call me again. Is everything okay?

Dammit. Something is wrong.

Just breathe through it.

It’s hard to breathe.

My heart is swishing.

Everything is okay.

Dammit. It’s not.

Okay. It will pass. How long? I felt like this yesterday too. It’s worse today and it’s going to keep getting worse. Maybe I should call and check on everyone. What if something is wrong though? What if I call and the phone rings while they are driving? They’ll have an accident. I’m not calling. Everything is fine.

I’m holding my breath again. Stop doing that. My heart is swishing. I think I messed up something yesterday. What did I forget? It was important, I think. I screwed something up again.

Breathe.

Something just doesn’t feel right. I can feel my heart in my arms and my head and my legs. Breath through it. It’s not real.

It’s real.

Your mind is telling you lies, it’s anxiety. It’s a liar. What if this time something is wrong though? I didn’t charge my phone last night. Something might have happened and I didn’t get the call because the phone is dead. No one is dead. Everyone is okay. Why didn’t I call her back yesterday? She was fine. Nothing was wrong or she would have said so when she said to call her back.

Swishing.

Stop holding your breath, dammit.

Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,

A tubby, little cubby all stuffed with fluff.

He’s Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh,

A willy, nilly, silly old bear.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

Still swishing.

Geez, stop crying. So stupid. Willy, nilly, silly old bear.

Stupid. This is so stupid. Tubby little cubby all stuffed with fluff. It’s not working. I can’t go to the store today. This is a warning. It’s a warning. If we all stay in the house it’ll be okay. I heard one of the boys leave this morning. I think I heard one of them leaving. He’s supposed to tell me when he goes out. Why did he even leave the house? This is ridiculous. He’s probably in his room. He’s not. It might start raining.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Willy, nilly, silly old bear . . .

(swish)

Last night’s Dreams won’t release me

their Icy fingers won’t let me go

Holding, Squeezing, gripping

I Can’t regain control
       Anxious Oppression,

I can’t still My heart
       Shallow Breath, I need to breathe
        I’m lost Once it starts
       Shallow Breath, why can’t I breathe

I feel it just Under my skin
Poisonous Lies

from some Acrimony within
    Shadows Torment
   They only Exist in my mind

Last night’s Dreams won’t release me

Coming Storm

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And a mournful disquietude

arose amidst the paean of a new order.

Mingling voices wrestling and rising

to a crescendo of wailing,

a cacophony of battle cries and laments.

Divisiveness swept through,

brother turned against brother,

friend became foe

against the backdrop

of a darkening sky.

And an evil crept in

to feed an insatiable hunger,

it fed and it fattened and grew.

It feasted on a banquet

of prideful souls,

ripe for harvest.

It chewed at the marrow

till nothing was left

but the bones of the people,

then he bid them to rise

and to follow,

leading them blind

into the abyss.

Poetry [ˈpōətrē] Defined

poetry

po·et·ry

   ˈpōətrē

Words with

paper wings

gilded in

gossamer

string

dappled with ink

spilled from

a dream.

Crystal R. Cook

Silenced by Society

 

silenced

Somber soliloquies

echo in silence.

Dialectic diatribes

dance amongst

shadows

to the cadence

of unvoiced

sonants

lingering

on the lips of a

pensive muse.

Sound without

substance,

song without

verse,

sight without

vision.

Meaning found

in madness,

ignorance embraced

by the masses.

Dare you not

speak aloud

the truths

within your soul

else be struck down,

silenced,

shunned, and

devoured by

the delusional,

the self-righteous,

the misinformed,

the judgmental –

(who claim not to be),

– the sheep

that have become

a plague on

the microcosm

of society . . .

Crystal R. Cook

The Benefits and Blessings of Creative Writing

I’m honored to be a part of a brand new site and looking forward to watching it grow – Soon there will be art and writing of all kinds, a celebration of creativity . . . Do you have something you want to share? Submissions are welcome!

The smell of death

PoisonBottle040513To be honest, I don’t know just when the death occurred. Poison is funny like that. I suppose if you knew the precise moment the lethal element was partaken of it would be easier. Yes. It certainly would have been easier.

I didn’t want to be witness to the deed though, so I chose the sneaky and sinister route. Perhaps it could be considered cowardly even, but my reasoning seemed sound enough, and I seriously doubt the poison I was offering would have been accepted anyway, not from my hand.

I left it, disguised and concealed; certain it was appealing enough to be devoured. It was. I know that now. My plan worked perfectly, at least I thought it did, before the smell. I hadn’t planned on him hiding once he felt what he had to have known was death tiptoeing toward his heart. Maybe this is his revenge.

It was hardly noticeable at first, but in this heat, it didn’t take long before the rancid, stomach turning scent of decomposition began filling the room and I knew it would only get worse before it got better so I started searching for the corpse.

To my horror, I couldn’t find it. The bastard found the passageways built into the walls. Passageways I could not enter. I peeked into one, even cutting away a portion of the wall. The smell was overpowering, but I found nothing.

I am quite sure this is indeed his revenge. I tried to get rid of him without resorting to this, I tried. All of my efforts ended in failure and he stayed, taunting me. I had no choice. He had to go, I hope you understand – he had to. I didn’t want it to end like this. Especially like this.

Why couldn’t he have just ran away? None of this would have happened.

I wonder how long his stench will remain here, in my home. MY home. Next time, I will plan better.

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So anyway – I wouldn’t let my husband use the sticky mouse traps because, well, how awful are those? Instead of buying the snap traps, still awful, but usually quick, and instead of the traps they can enter and be set loose elsewhere to torment someone far from us – he opted for poison. I told him not to. I told him this would happen and it did.

This effing stinks . . . so bad.

           I don’t want mice in my house, but I don’t want their decomposing remains behind my walls either!

I’m pretty sure I’m gonna blow chunks.

mouse-1

We’ve rescued more mice than I can count, BUT, I can only deal with so much.

To the surviving mousies . . . The scratching in the walls, the poo pellets in the cupboard – I gotta draw the line when you poo in my cupboard. I mean really, by my food? Not cool mouse. Not cool at all. Don’t even peek out from under the entertainment center and look at me with those beady little eyes of yours and twitch your whiskers like your fricken cute or something. It’s not cute to crap in someones shoes, dude. It’s not cute to dig effing holes in someones walls. And for real, you scared my dog and no, my dog is not a sissy. Okay, he is, BUT that’s beside the point.

So it’s come down to this, you gots to go. Out. Bye-bye. Adios. Au revoir. Arrivaderci. Ciao. Do svidanya. And if ya don’t, I can’t stop the man-o-the-house from doing what he’s gonna do. Like kill you dead.

Deaddeaddeadsky.

Stop crapping in my shoes. Seriously.

Betrayed – I wasn’t prepared.

tumblr_static_goodbye_noteI thought we’d have more time together, I really did. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but I wasn’t expecting it to end so soon. I keep wondering if it’s my fault . . . if I did something to make you snap. I took care of you as best I could. I did.

We’ve been through a lot together and through it all, I always felt secure. You supported me in ways others before you never did and I loved you for that. You were always there for me when I needed you. I guess that’s why I’m so upset right now, I still need you.

If I would have known you were going to fall apart like this I would have found another, that would have made this break easier.

You betrayed me. You hurt me; tried to stab me in the heart, and for that I just can’t forgive you.

I can replace you and I will. You were special to me, but there are plenty more just like you. Now that I know what I want, what feels right, it won’t take me long to find another. I know just where to go. I just wish you could have waited until there was free shipping and handling – spanx.com, here I come . . .

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Today is a new day – Conversation with Myself or First Thought vs Second Thought or Piss Off

So I woke up today. Obviously you did too, so that’s something.

I’ve had a rough couple of days. I spent some time in the pity pot trying to hide from anxiety, stewing over things that were bothering me; things that were pissing me off. The usual – health, society, not knowing how to do crap on my computer, people, stuff I haven’t done that needs to get done. It’s a random and lengthy list I won’t bore you with.

I went to bed last night praying I would wake in the morning with a new perspective. I tried to fall asleep giving myself a pep talk, cheering myself onward to a better tomorrow – complete with an imaginary cheer-leading squad with pom-poms and ponytails.

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Gimme an H

Gimme an A

Gimme a P-P-Y

What’s that spell?

Happy! Happy!

Beeee happy!

You can do it!

Yes you can!

If you can’t do it

no one can!

Beeee happy!

I annoyed myself and took a sleeping pill. I had nightmares about murdering cheerleaders, but I slept surprisingly well, I’m not sure what that says about me. Maybe I do need a therapist. Anyway, I woke up and tried to replace my residual stinkin’ thinkin’ with some positive affirmations – hip-hip-hooray and sis-boom-blah-bah.

My first thought was, “It’s a brand new day.”

My second thought was, “No shit Sherlock, every day is a brand new day.”

To which my first thought responded, “Here we go again, why can’t you just think positive? Let’s walk on some sunshine and think happy thoughts!

Second thought then told first thought to piss off.

I’m trying to ignore this internal dialogue and find some neutral ground until one of them claims victory. Until that happens, I’m just going to get out of bed, drink copious amounts of coffee and make lists (I will lose) of all the things I need to accomplish. Or maybe I’ll watch Netflix.